9:15 PM
its my 323 post today. how time flies and its already the last week of april 2007. YIPEE! may is up soon [:
you know what. after reading my past posts over and over again for this month, i seriously wanna have more control of myself especially when it comes to elmo. maybe later or something, i will message him the truth. about me, not wanting him to contact me back anymore for now and how i feel about him, doing all that. if i dont do it now, i dont know when i'm going to do it. yes. it is harsh for him but i need my own space for myself/to forget all about him/to concentrate more on my studies. and also, he seriously deserve that after he had put me through. i'm being too kind, letting him wasting my time over him where i know its no use and we will never be together anymore. trust me. i no longer have any feelings towards him.
i know i'm supposed to study but computer are my temptation. so far, what i did is that i've digged my sec 3 physics and pure geography files back for studying for the mid-year and organised the worksheet there. i've also done a physics sec 3 revision worksheet. hopefully, by 8pm, i'm off from here and continue, doing my F&N notes. currently, i'm lack of potential for duo/groupies studying with me, anyone?
thats all for today. happy-happy people (;
7:15 PM
i got a splitting heacdache since morning. it comes and go actually. school was alright just now. didnt stay back for the punishment actually due to divas and i went late for the malay irp yesterday. exams are just next monday. i have not done any of the revision yet. yes. i'm way behind now && i'm not going out today since i'm not in the mood to and i'm sort of tired. sorry bayang. lets go out on sunday instead.
elmo called me yesterday night. what does he want from me actually? we have broken up like going to 1 month already && he kept coming back to me when there's no one to entertain him. what the hell. honestly, i thought that he actually regretted breaking up with me, each time he does that till in the morning just now, i found out that he likes this geylang methodist chinese girl. but from what i heard, that girl looks like a malay. fucked off elmo. i'm not going back to you. you suck.
i still remembered clearly this conversation we had yesterday when we were ending our call.
me: its already 12 am.
him: you dont want to talk to me issit?
me: no. you're the one who says you wanted to sleep at 12.
him: okay then. i wanna sleep already. good night. take care. bye.
me: good night. bye.
him: love you.
me: yeah right.
him: hehehehehe.
then off we put down the phone. what the fuck you tell me.
i gotta go. i'm done. i wanna eat XD
3:30 PM
Over It
I'm over your lies,
and I'm over your games.
I'm over you asking me,
when you know I'm not okay.
You call me at night,
and I pick up the phone.
And though you've been telling me,
I know you're not alone.
oh..
bridge:
That's why
(your eyes)
I'm over it
(your smile)
I'm over it
(realize)
I'm over it
I'm over it
I'm over..
chorus:
Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, it's my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..
I'm over your hands,
and I'm over your mouth.
Trying to drag me down,
and fill me with self-doubt.
oh..
bridge:
That's why
(your words)
I'm over it
(so sure)
I'm over it
(I'm not your girl)
I'm over it
I'm over it
I'm over...
chorus:
Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, it's my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..
Don't call,
don't come by,
ain't no use,
don't ask me why,
you'll never change,
there'll be no more crying in the rain.
chorus x2:
Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, it's my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..
I'm so over it....
I'm over it....
3:00 PM
monday lessons are boring but times flies fast and i'm home now. nothing much happenned. going to school and going home, i'm alone like usual. i'm used to it.
it was true that elmo's girlfriend is dumping him due to his friends are his top priority, instead of her as that is what she feels. now then i realized about that assumption that she made is true. as most teenagers especially girls excluding me seriously, are putting their friends on the top of the list, then their boyfriend. ask your girlfriends around if you dont believe me. but i cant give you any answer whether both of them have broken up yet. oh who cares.
kiwi, my english is not good. dont blindly praise me. i have a long, long way to go to write good english and i'm still learning to. btw, to some friends of his, kiwi and i are just good friends. purely friends. there's nothing going on with us. dont assume things as you guys think it is and i know he seriously likes _____. i've already got someone in mind in the first place [:
yesterday, bayang-bayang and i went from vivo to orchard to boat quay to esplanade then we went home at around 9 plus. it was fun yet "interesting" day. i'm not going to elaborate much on it. its between me and him. anyway, he is meeting me tommorrow. going to tiong bahru with him after irp to get a replacement of my spoilt ez-link. with the condition of my ez-link currently, doesnt suprised me at all.
i gotta go. homeworks are pilling up.
6:00 PM
my plans for today is cancelled due to i have to babysit my nephew. yes. this is the problem i face always on every saturday especially. but its alright i guess cause i'll be going out tomorrow instead.
shafiq, we havent confirm about our date tommorrow. somehow or another, i dont feel like going though i know he is going to treat me with the food. but i wanna meet my bayang-bayang too. you tell me how now?
yesterday, was super hilarious to think about it. i get so _____. that was the first time i actually show my _____ out to any guy. sorry yeah. i'm just not used of seeing you, texting other girls && i have gotten over it so now you can do it publicly and infront of me. i wont mind due to our deal we have make. i must be fair.
around 4 just now, elmo called. i seriously thought it was faiz due to i didnt reply his messages earlier. we talked for about half an hour then he have to go. i really didnt want to talk to him, but since i've already said a happy hello, i have no other choice but to just talk to him. he kept asking me why didnt i have a boyfriend since we broke up && i replied, i'm just not ready for another one. i guess he thought i would answered that i still cant forget him or something like that due to that was what i told his bestfriend a few days before i knew elmo has/had a girlfriend when his bestfriend asked me to be his girlfriend. fyi: elmo told me that the girl has already dumped him as they were having some problems which i dont even care to know and in the first place, as if i still naively believe him.
off i go. nothing much to say.
6:30 PM
its friday at last. been waiting for friday since ever. i've been busy with school and found out some latest news about my ex boyfriend on wednesday. yes. that moronic, idiotic, dumbass, fuck off elmo. i seriously despised him for giving me hope again. what the hell.
TO HIM;
you know what, i dont think i want to be your friend. i want us to be like what when we were last year. you dont know me and i dont know you. yes. lets be stranger again. its way better than to admit that i know you even. i regretted being a fool. someone who make those sacrifices for you. believing your lies and yes, i stupidly believe everything you said. you have a girlfriend the next day after you broke up with me. yes. a geylang methodist, sec two girl name huda. and just last friday, you said all those words to have me back and nearly, make me change my mind about being single and give us another try. i dont mind that you have a girlfriend, but why must you said all that? those stuff you said that you still love me and miss me when you know that i havent got over you yet? why, tell me, why? you seriously dissapointed me so much. you deserve the way i treated you in the morning, when you were talking to me. i'm not going to be that nice and why should i?, after what you have done to me. i hate seeing you, that is the reason i dont even wish to talk to you. dont come and find me back. i'm not gonna be there for you this time around. i'll walk away from your life so that i will have nothing to do with you && you will have nothing to do with me anymore. i'm not gonna go back on my words now. hopefully, that two-timer girlfriend of yours will change and will give you the happiness that you want.
at last, my thoughts are cleared about this.
i'm going out to meet bayang-bayang later. sorry sweetheart that i cant make it to meet you outside your school just now. so sorry. forgive me, will you?
happy birthday to haiqal today, caide, on the 12th and jordan on the 15th. all of them used to be my someone special. this is so coincident. XD
3:30 PM
noon to all.
no plans for today as i have to do homework and i'm lazy to go anywhere and i'm broke.
lots of plan coming up for me this weekend;
friday: going out with bayang-bayang
saturday: go out my girlfriends/study-date
sunday: the study-date[postphone or something]/go out with shafiq-drummer
my mind is in a mess right now. been thinking about it especially since friday. dont ask me anything about elmo. i cant give you any answer about us. nor about bayang-bayang. i feel bad, doing all this to him. sigh.
1:15 PM
i had a sudden last minute plan for just now. yes. i went out with bayang-bayang again. we went to orchard, just walking around. just reached there and i have to see this girl who i hate the most in school. ask me personally whats her name. i just dont wish to mention it. anyway, i saw mable and her friend at heeren then saw alwyn with his girl on the way to cine. both people asked me the same question, "is that your boyfriend?" tsk. tsk. *shakes head*
then went esplanade, meet up with rasul and azhar. i saw al-hafiz, my pri sch mate. i managed to talk to him for awhile and he took my number for contact. i saw asri again, didnt want to talk to him. like as if i really bother about him int the first place.
i lied to my mum that i going out with my girlfriend but sadly, she finds out that i went out with a guy when bayang-bayang called me, to tell me that he just went out from his house. she was using the phone when bayang-bayang called my house number as my phone has a second line. this is what she said after i put down the phone. fyi; the conversation was in malay.
mum: "as if you going out with your girlfriend. confirm going out with a guy one."
me: "no. with my girlfriend lah."
mum: "then just now, who called? gay ah?"
me: "ya. ya. my gay-friend called."
to me, it was super hilarious. luckily she doesnt scold me or ground me or something. i love my mum lots[:
anyway, elmo contacted me back yesterday. he somehow, asked for a patch indirectly. we stopped texted each other at around 6pm just now. i still keep his messages to show to the divas on monday. i'm confused with everything he said. it just doesnt make sense. seriously, when i can stop believe-ing his lies?
11:15 PM
no. i'm not blogging for now. maybe later. just putting up some quotes that coincide with my feelings currently. here, i am reffering to elmo much except for the one in number 11. that person should know that i'm talking about me and him [:
1. Sometimes it feels like i need you so much that i can't stand life without you; then you go and be an ass.
2. What happened to forever?
3. There's no such thing as heartbreak. its just not true love.
4. We spend our whole lives telling ourselves, everything happens for a reason. when in reality, it's just that we give reasons for everything that happens.
5. i could forgive you && forget everything that happened. but that wouldnt make it any better. we'll never be able to go back to the way it used to be. you had the world in your hands, but instead you threw it away. so dont expect me to feel sorry for something that was your own fault.
6. Never assume. Because you will just make an ASS out of U and ME.
7. The only person who you need in your life are the people who need you in theirs too.
8. No matter how much I don't want to believe it; maybe we just aren't meant to be.
9. Maybe I still love you. But i will never think of you as I did. You're no longer the cute, funny guy i knew. You don't make me laugh or smile anymore. When I think of you, I don't get butterflies. I don't remember the late night conversations, or the times you would hold me. Nope. I remember how you set me up. Let me believe i could trust you. And just when I thought there was nothing better, you let me fall. I don't remember the good times. But you know what I do remember?? I remember waiting all night for you to call. I remember waking up and instantly crying because i remembered you werent here . I remember crying all night long. I remember thinking that it was me. That i wasn't good enough for you. That I was the one that was wrong. I remember not wanting to sleep because you were the only person that I care. I remember the promises you made, that were never fulfilled. I remember the plans you made. I remember how i gave you my heart, and you held it for awhile, then crushed it. Thats what i remember. I remember caring so much. And you couldnt even give a damn. Now I have all these guys that want to be with me. And they would treat me a thousand times better than you did. Believe me. But I only get one heart, and I gave it to you. I can't take it back. But i wish I could.
10. Sometimes, not too often but sometimes, I get hit with the memory of how much you meant to me, just when I thought that I was finally okay with forgetting.
11. It's probably the wrong time to tell you this, But, well, maybe its the perfect time. I realize how incredibly confusing things are between us right now. I can't even begin to explain our relationship. You probably can't either. But I just want you to know that if you ever need me, I'll always be here for you.
12. I miss having you in my life. Im realizing that you could still be here if I wanted you to, but obviously not as the way we were but we can still be friends, and then I wouldnt totally be losing you. But i have to find a way to move on. How can i move on if i still want you? still want us to talk? still tell each other things? Like we use to do, you know? How can i still want all that and know deep inside that i cannot have you to myself. Being friends? I'll have to forget you exist and start all over again before that can even become an option.
credit to xo__quotebites
10:30 AM
alot of things happenned this week. i shall refer my schedule planner in case i missed out on certain important things.
monday: nura and i went to meet her boyfriend and yan after school at bugis. yes. its been 4 straight days, i went to bugis for a week. and everytime, if yan is with us, i somehow feel embarrased. for goodness sake, i dont know why. honestly, i dont have any feelings towards him no matter how much nura's boyfriend and her wanna us to be together. but around 4 or 5 plus, went to meet bayang-bayang and shazz at bugis macdonalds'. walk around for awhile then bayang-bayang send me home and we completed our 3 mins. YEAH [:
tuesday: skipped ava due to i'm tired as early in the morning, my class was having PE and we played captain's ball with the sec 2 though we lost to them, but we put all our effort into playing it. and also they asked me to watch them play soccer at st wilfred and he was playing too, do you think i bother to go there even? i rather go home and sleep. why should i waste my time on him?
wednesday: my one week single. then he asked for a patch during break time but i replied no. darling, if you seriously wanna be with me back, take an effort to call me or just message me. you dont have to ask your best friend to do the job for you. i worth something more than that and yes. i'm playing hard to get this time around.
thursday: i had my NAFA. i did badly for sit-reach. other stations, is either a A or a B. i guess i get another silver this year again. i wanna get gold.
today: i went out with bayang-bayang at last. been waiting for this day to come. we went tampines then pasir ris then esplanade. i saw asri and faiz nipon there and i manage to talk to them. yeah. nothing much change with them. they are still the same.
its been awhile since i've blog. off i go to msn.
11:30 PM
i went out again with bayang-bayang without doing any homework. yeah. oh who cares. i have fun, went out with him just now especially with the 1 min && 2 min stuff that we done when we're together. shessshhh. its a secret between us and no one else should know.
sorry for whatever things i said just now when we are on the way home. i know somehow or another, i may hurt you but i really hate confrontation especially when i'm in my happy mood. you're really special to me. seriously. you mean alot to me && i treasure you.
the facts that i dont want to be in relationship;
firstly because like what i said, i wanna know you more
secondly, i just broke up with elmo recently.
thirdly, i wanna take things slow. i dont wish to rush into things
fourthly, i just wanna keep my options open to guys that i'm interested in knowing
fifthly, i am just scared that i will make the same mistake i did in the past
lastly, as i have promised faiz, i wont be in relationship till after o level
yesterday, went out to meet roy iryan and friends. he is not that bad seriously. yeah. a very nonsensical yet nice guy. he keep on showing his moves everywhere he goes, just because he goes clubbing. what the heck.
anyway, i'll be going out to meet anis tomorrow with nura too. go chill at esplanade or something. i'm not sure. honestly, i dont wish to go cause i'm lazy too but i got no other choice.
i gotta go now.
school starting again tommorrow.
11:00 PM
its been awhile since i've done any survey and posted here.
DO YOU ENJOY BEING IN SCHOOL?
mostly yes due to my friends are there.
WHAT'S YOUR PLAN ON THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL?
i guess i will make a fun of myself/do somthing stupid for the last time in school while wearing the school uniform.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO WHEN ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS SUDDENLY HATES YOU?
i will apologize for the things that have make her/him hate me in the first place and try to make friends with them back. but if they are like acting cold towards me when i'm around them, dont even think that i will be that nice cause by then, i wont bother being friends with you even .
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF A GUY/GIRL STARTS TO FLIRT WITH YOU?
if somehow i have the chemistry with him, yes, i will flirt back.
IF YOU'RE A GIRL, AND A REALLY CUTE GUY SUDDENLY HUGS YOU, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
i will give this wierd look face while smiling to what have happened and in my mind, i will go "oh my god!!!" [:
WHICH WILL YOU MOST LIKELY HAVE...
PANCAKES OR WAFFLES?
pancakes
RICE OR SPAGHETTI?
spaghetti
MILKSHAKES OR SODA?
both. milkshakes are nice to drink. soda will make me burp.
RAMEN OR BURGER KING?
burger king.
WHICH PLACE DO YOU THINK,IS THE BEST PLACE TO HAVE A FIRST DATE?WHY??
walking along the beach, talking/joking around while our feet in the sand while the sun is setting . it is so sweet and no one ever done that to me yet. so yeah, i am giving some ideas to the guys that wanna date me in the future XD
WHICH IS BETTER, EMINEM OR SIMPLE PLAN?
simple plan.
IF YOU'RE A GIRL,WOULD YOU PREFER JEANS OR SKIRTS?
jeans. it would be a rare thing that i use skirt.
WOULD YOU TAKE A SIP OF ALCOHOL?
for now, nope. i'm young. who knows in the future right? XD
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF CIGARETTES?
no comments. smoking doesnt turn me off that much.
DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A NERD OR A COOL PERSON?
nerd i guess. i have the most nerd-iest cca and i'm one of the two malay seniors who joined it.
ARE YOU A FAN OF LORD OF THE RINGS OR HARRY POTTER?
harry potter. i love that guy, draco malfoy. he makes me go crazy over him everytime i watch harry potter. seriously, lord of the rings is boring. its all about the ring && who cares about that ring?
12:30 PM
i just got back from boat quay with bayang-bayang. we went to chill there. yeah. today wasnt that peaceful that he wanted it to be, compared to last week. i guess today is a public holiday so tourists and the locals are going out.
before that, we went to bugis juction, there i saw hatim and delphine again XD hatim was like smiling at me when he saw me. i have the feeling that he gonna tell elmo about it. oh who cares. and delphine thought that bayang-bayang is my boyfriend due to he was standing so close to me. hey. fyi; now, i'm putting aside my interest of finding a boyfriend. theres always time for that later on especially after o levels.
yes faiz. i'm keeping my word in our promise that i should remain single till o level ended. i'll try.
he broke up with me due to he wanted more freedom, yes, that was what irfhan told me. you tell me, since when did i restricted his freedom? i was that frustrated at him since yesterday but luckily today, my anger managed to cool down somehow or another. he is just making up excuses. such a liar. it is much more easier to say that you just wanna flirt around with other girls and you dont want to be commited to one. you dont have to sound as if i'm the one at fault here. but the irony thing is that i pretty much miss talking to him and how i wish we were still together and were so happy being with each other company's like how we were 2 months ago. why all this have to happen so fast in a blink of an eye.
i have to go
my bed time now
11:15 PM
it all ends yesterday
yes, he broke up with me
&& till now, i still cant believe we have broken up
i'm not that sad that i supposed to or should be cause i have expected this to happen. but i didnt think that its gonna happen yesterday. i was holding back my tears during chemistry. i dont blame him entirely as somehow or another, its my fault for the break up so dont come up on me, console me and say he sucks and i deserve someone better cause you just making me feel worst rather than feeling better.
his fault:
i wasnt his top priority. he starting to contact me lesser and lesser ever since a few weeks ago and i've been tolerating this for at least a month. yes. it happened to me again. he is always busy with soccer and neglected me the whole time. he is the one who is always cancelling our plan together and spent most of his time with his friends. he is never there for me when i was down and seriously, if he truly loves me, he would try to save this relationship, instead of ending the "problems" by breaking up with me.
my fault:
maybe its my fault that i didnt show enough concern towards him. i began not to care about the worries i have in the relationship after i thought to myself that he didnt even do anything about it nor he didnt even try to talk about it though somehow, i knew he knew that we are drifted apart. i was spending too much time on my "new friend". yes. i am that bad. such a bad girlfriend. i should have just remain committed to him and all these wont happenned. i was thinking too much for myself that in school, i didnt wish to talk to him. i follow my ego-ness than trying to save this relationship. i should have known better.
my ego:
stop saying that "lets be friends" phrase cause i'm sick of hearing it. i've been making sacrifices more than you did to me, but what did i get in the end, nothing from you. you gonna regret what you did to me cause you doesnt know how to treasure me and someday, your turn will come. i seriously know that i deserve someone better. why should i stick on to a guy who always find me only when he wants me to be there. you are totally immature so dont try to come back to me cause i wont want you by then && you never gonna last long with a girl if you keep on wanting to break up with them so one advice, FUCK OFF.
but deep in my heart, i miss him more than you know it ]:
6:00 AM
suprised that i'm blogging on a monday afternoon? yes. yes. i went home way earlier than sharin.
i met bayang-bayang for a short period of time just now as we wanted to go home. supposedly our plan was to go somewhere else to chill or something but due to i wasnt in my mood and he is broke so yeah, i cancelled it after thinking twice. so sorry to him && thanks for travelling from tampines and all the way to boon keng mrt, just to meet me though your dad was like telling you not to go out today. thank you so much darling. i introduced him to anis and her boyfriend and the "divas" without kaya since they are there and i have the chance to do that. to be honest, i rarely introduce my 'guy-friend' to the "divas" or to my other close girlfriend if they didnt know that 'guy-friend' of mine unless that 'guy-friend' is my boyfriend. isnt it obvious i'm hinting something here to you? anyway, my bayang-bayang, your headset is with me. when you're gonna get it?
all of this gonna be random.
i gonna cook carrot cake on wednesday.
my boyfriend doesnt know that i do care about him
i gonna have frequent moodswings these few days
my bayang-bayang is super duper sweet to me
i'm going to the sunday gig where aaron is performing
that geylang methodist guy smiled at me again
i'm way behind in my f&n coursework
friday, i'm going to hidayat house to chill around
i wanna sleep now.
my dreams invaded me.
5:00 PM
i went out with my bayang-bayang just now. i seriously enjoyed my time with him. we went from bugis to marina to esplanade then marina back then clarke quay. i may be meeting him tomorrow after school. hey dude, i love your company [:
i met delphine with justin when i was on the way back home. i saw sharin, yes, my dearly ex-boyfriend at esplanade with his band members around 4 plus or 5 plus. maybe he have just finish jamming. i didnt manage to say hello or anything like that due to i dont know, maybe i was not ready to do all that yet or maybe i didnt have the gut to do so.
anyway, this is a new skin like obviously. i'm bored of the old one. i know its way simpler than the previous skin. well, i didnt have the whole time to do it.
more update soon i supposed. its getting late. i'm schooling tomorrow, remember? good night.
11:15 PM