i'm still waiting.. waiting for you to say i need you in my life.. waiting for you to hold my hands and say i love you.. cause without your love, i wont be who am i right now..
i left *him at 27 july at about 8.45.. i ended the misery for us.. its not that i wanted this but i think its the best for us.. been crying since that day.. but today, i force myself not to cry over things that cant go back to what they were.. some may be shocked while others are happy for me or for him.. but i dont know why i've been so low these two days.. i know i shouldnt be sad.. but i just dont know why.. i got two good admirer that i've used to be wishing that they could be mine one day but when i get them, its like they meant nothing to me anymore.. missing those times when i'm with him.. haiz..
i know *you are better than him in alot of ways but he never hurt me so deeply in my heart like you did.. leave me alone to heal the scar that can takes me forever.. haiz.. i just need more time to dont really bother with such stuff anymore..
dont want to think those unhappy thoughts.. they are making me sad for just no reason.. my bro getting married tonight.. my house gonna be full with my relatives.. i got to pretend that i'm happy.. hearing those fake laughter that came out from my mouth.. seeing myself to fakely smile at people.. wanting to end here.. wanna eat.. so ciaoz peeps.. gud evening..
8:58 AM
i'm bored with the song which remind me of you.. i'm just bored with hearing it.. tired of liking it.. but why i still keep on going back to just hear this song so that you will always be in my mind..i keep on seeing you from a distant everytime i get the chance to cause maybe this is the LAST time, i gonna like you and leave this miserable pain behind of not having you beside me and have your heart to me.. haiz.. you meant so much to me..
michelle told me that you gonna be sad that i wanna let you go.. shouldnt that be me instead of you.. she also said that i cant forget you.. hmm.. maybe i just need more time to do that.. haiz.. is this what i really want.. or just still waiting hopelessly for you..
my feelings for him is like fading these few days.. been totally upset since MT lesson and vent my anger at rafi.. sob-sob.. sowie.. i'm just not in the mood to talk so much suddenly.. i'm just like so quiet and people starting to wandering whats happening to me.. when deep down inside, i was like so sad.. confused.. bored.. frustrated with everything.. haiz..
GIVING UP WITH THE BOTH OF YOU!!
I"M SICK OF HAVING MY LIFE THIS WAY!!
10:55 AM
today akasha birthday so gonna wish him a HAPPY BIRTHDAY and may all his wish come true.. he so cute.. omg.. =p..
went home with him.. suddenly my feelings for him like gone.. i dont know.. i give up with all this stupid thinking.. its just wasting my time.. but.. haiz.. why is this happening to me AGAIN.. tommorow, gonna be our 11 month.. i dont want all this to go to waste..
these few days, having a feeling that i wanted to give up on the other guy.. no use of waiting.. i'm just being a fool.. i know i meant nothing to him.. but why i still keep on waiting patiently.. i'm just putting all the high hopes on him where i myself know that its not gonna happen aniway.. he meant so much to me.. can i just bear to let him go just like that.. everything that i do, makes me remind of him.. i put him in my FIRST priority instead of "him".. i try my best to let him notice how much i really appreciated him and how much i need him in my life but i'm still not the one in his heart..
people keep asking me why i wanna give up on him.. but i just told them that i dont wanna waste my time on thinking these STUPID stuff and i'm sick of thinking and i dont want my relationship with "him" to just go down the drain..
but down inside me, i'm just sick of pretending.. pretending to be so strong.. hating the world that revolves around me.. but.. no matter what i do or say, i just wanna let you know that i wanna let you go.. i know its hard for me.. but i think it is the best for me.. for him.. and for us..
tommorow, maths paper.. the 2e1 & 2e3 says the maths paper will give the formula but mdm tong never say anything.. how unfair.. =X.. just now, english quite difficult but cant finish within the time given.. i'm just bored so wanna end here.. ciaoz!!
12:25 PM
tommorow is the common test and i'm here.. surfing the net like there's no tommorrow.. =).. dont want to fail science AGAIN..
went out with klevyn ard noon just now.. went toa payoh to do my maths homework and i wrote notes on chapter 14 for science.. one more chapter and i'm done with the revision.. and he's there like just reading books and all stuff.. i know that he's bored there but he no other choice but to wait for me to finish my maths.. hahahax.. =p..
i got my english composition and the english brochure to do.. i was suppose to pass up my brochure on thursday but i just havent completed it.. and my art.. still havent redo them.. cause instead of enlarge it.. i'm enSMALL it.. hahahax.. =).. oh god.. i'm way behind time..
wanna end here cause wanna do my hwk and do my revision.. so ciaoz everybody.. good luck to those who taking the common test..
GOOD AFTERNOON TO ALL PEEPS!!
7:22 AM
I'm changing AGAIN.. becoming more OVER-obsessed about him.. wrote his name all over the place.. my books... my hand... why am i becoming this? when i know i shoudnt be.. to really think about it, this is the FIRST time i've TOTALLY becoming crazy due to the word "LOVE"..
to him, i really sorry that i've given the wrong impression to you when deep inside, i really dont like you.. you may ask why.. is it you're not treating me right.. or we dont know each other that well.. or whatsoever.. i know you really like me but... the feeling is not there.. i only like you as friend.. you asking me to make a BIG promise where i know i cant fufill it.. you making me feeling more guilty... more confused.. than ever and i just wanna say...
I"M SORRY!!!
common test is coming.. another 2 more days.. and the first exam is SCIENCE! oh god.. i hate science.. sure gonna fail AGAIN.. wanna improve my grades but can i.. i know i cant.. haiz.. wanna end here.. wanna eat my breakfat so...
GUD MORNING!!!
11:38 AM
jus now got nafa.. yup.. i'm tired.. slept just now for awhile.. went home with haiqal, nabillah and hafizhan..
tommorow got racial harmony day and i'll be on stage for the quiz.. meeting klevyn outside my class.. no need to go duty..
tired of everything.. sick of thinking too much.. not being myself lately.. cry for no reason.. angry for the slightest thing that people do wrong.. hating these days.. wish it could just end sooner.. waiting for these days to be gone.. but they seems as if it continue the same routine everyday..
I"M JUST BORED WITH EVERYTHING IN LIFE!!!
12:42 PM
i'm confused......
with alot of things.....
between the two of you.....
among the other guys who likes me....
i'm falling into the same mistake i used to make...
i started to hate...
the things that i do....
the things that i say....
everything that has happen...
how it turns out this way...
wishing that it could just gone away...
i cry in the darkness...
where no one can see me...
nor see the girl that they used to know...
coz for once in my life, i'm trying to be strong on my own..
1:26 PM
wee.. i'm bored so come here and update.. school starting tomorrow.. haiz.. BORING!! tomorrow is picture day then i got PE lesson.. how unlucky.. haiz.. got maths test.. havent really memorise the formula.. i'm dead..
i'm so confused about SUMETHING!! its a BIG issue.. both of them confessed their feelings yesterday.. i dont want to mention their names here.. i was like happy for a moment.. like i cant believe.. actually long ago, i got the feeling that both of them likes me but i dont really take that seriously.. its like my wish had come true and the secrets that were kept in my heart were out.. but after that, i was like.. oh god.. why am i feeling this way.. i'm so bad by treating *him this way.. i mean.. i used to have a crush on ONE of them BUT i dont like him anymore i think and the other one is like i'm trying to forget him rite NOW.. they somehow connected to each other.. i'm not giving any more clues here abt who are they or whats their names.. =p.. *evil grins*
wanna end here.. cause i got nothing to say.. so ciaoz everyone!!
6:25 AM
i'm just finish bathing.. yup.. just come home from skool cause i watched the "TALENT QUEST" audiution and came to support cute-cute but too bad, he got soccer match and cant go to the audition and his group just do their so called singing without him.. haiz.. =(.. so decided to watched the other contestant.. it was below my expectation of the overall audition but its quite enjoyable though..
haiz.. sowie that i didint update here cause i'm pretty damn tired and lazy.. =).. tommorrow gort listening for the sec 4 then i got duty for that so need to stay back from 1 till 5.. so long.. UNFAIR!! hahahax.. exam coming in 2 weeks time and i'm still lagging behind esp. for science.. oh god.. i need to back up.. a.k birthday is coming.. AAR!!! going to give him a poem that i wrote for him long ago.. ard 3 months ago.. hehehex.. swit.. wink.. wink.. =)..
wanna end here.. wanna eat my dinner.. cause i'm so hungry.. so ciaoz everyone.. and GUD NITE TO ALL PEEPS!!
11:18 AM
yup.. sowie that now then i update here cause i actually plainly lazy to blog.. =) just finish eating sort of my dinner.. actually i was sleeping in my living room cause i'm waiting sharin to finish using the comp but did he wake me up after he had used? nope.. he wake me up when he asked me to eat and he say this "oi! wake up.. go and eat.. later finish..".. i was like blur-blur from my sleep.. hahahax.. actually got satay to eat and i was like so hungry then just started to eat it so much.. hahahax.. =p.. how greedy am i..
he message me while i'm doing this.. should i reply him? i mean i'm just lazy to reply and i'm scared that my bill going high AGAIN.. but i feel so wrong.. i mean yesterday was his birthday and i never even wish him a happy birthday.. oh god.. how cruel am i.. gonna reply him.. i got no other choice..
i totally addicted to JESSE MCCARTNEY.. oh my gosh.. HE"S SO CUTE!!! aaar.... totally addicted to one of his song called "THAT WAS THEN".. the song is so cool and while hearing it, i remember his face.. SO CUTE!! *fainted*... hahahax.. gonna put his pic here.. aaar... i love his song like "she's no you".. damn nice and so sweet.. "beautiful souls".. aww.. so romantic.. then i totally addicted to the "that was then".. damn nice.. aaar..
enough talk about him.. oh god.. my inbox is full of his messages.. i'm like just cant bear to delete his message even though he's not important in my life for right now but i just cant delete them.. i dont know why.. don care about him.. and tommorow, school starting.. oh god.. i'm gonna be bored at school.. see all the same faces.. haiz.. change my blog skin again.. yup.. quite nice skin.. all of the skins that this designer do.. all so nice.. in the first place, she only do 2 skins altogether.. =O.. hahahax..
gonna end here.. i'm bored writing this post.. ciaoz.. and gud nite everyone!!
HE"S SO CUTE AND HOT!! TOTALLY ADDICTED TO HIM!!! I LOVE HIM.. hahahax.. =)
11:35 AM
wee.. just came back home from sumedhaa house.. went there to bake cookies and her family was TOTALLY friendly.. first time making the cookies, the cookies was TOO soft like a muffin but the second try, it turn out great.. taste quite nice cause i can taste the almond essence.. eek.. not that nice but overall to me, its okay and even sumedhaa grandfather says its nice!!.. her cousin was cute.. TOTALLY cute.. awesome.. went there like for 3 hrs just to bake about 50 cookies.. =)
her grandfather was like asking me about my family.. and how i should treasure them and all stuff.. yup.. i was there like agreeing every thing that he says and after that, he says how he treasure his wife due to his stroke been grateful to his family and grandchildren like sumedhaa.. even when he wanted to take a shower, he need someone to help him.. i was like just act interested in what he says.. he actually cried when he says about something even though i cant hear what the hell his talking about but all i just do is nod and say orh.. hahahax.. =p.. and i feel like crying when i saw him crying.. dumb me.. i'm just being emotional..
went home then when i reach my void deck then suddenly i remember sumething.. iremembered that tommorrow is eeuu'r birthday.. TOTALLY forgot the whole day today.. how bad am i.. =) luckily i saw eeuu only in the morning.. didnt give eeuu any present tho.. sowie.. =(.. i'm quite busy these few days.. giving eeuu the present for your birthday when i have the time to look for one.. =(
tomorrow, is the weekend.. bored.. sian.. i just going to die from all this.. started to have feelings for *him again.. oh god.. why is this happening to me AGAIN..
need eeuu more during this time cause i dont want to dig up all my past all over again.. i'm just hate to live off the happiness of the past.. they just sucks.. telling me to pretend so much again.. wanna get rid of this but why.. oh why.. cant i.. making the past mistake.. wanna just stop this endless tears from falling.. there's so much pain for me to bear about the past.. they just making me to forget eberything that happens now.. its this what i really want?? to be strong to the lost of the *one that i really love for just another person.. to wait for so long for a guy who i knew that he have feelings for me.. give up to what i really wanted and believe in.. and pretend that i dont even care with the people that is around me.. i give up with all this.. haiz..
just wanna end here.. wanna eat.. my stomach grubbling for food.. wee.. tata.. ciaoz..
8:52 AM
i got a headache from all this hwk.. they sucks.. i do them since 3 pm and i still cant finsh most of them.. i mean you people thought that i'm having fun cause i dont need to go to school and just relax at home and do hwk with the e-learning thingy.. then i should say you people are wrong.. i mean i got two days of holidays but the hwk is SO much.. its like i'm having 1 month of holiday instead and its practically much more worst than my june holiday hwk.. can think how much homework do i need to complete.. maybe i'm overnite-ing infront of my comp today..
oh god.. i hate this school.. every subject got a hwk including PE.. and i left with only 1 day.. its just my luck to be in sec 2 this year.. my school is like upgrading with alot things.. fun-fair, e-learning week, cashless canteen and blah-blah.. they are just making me more stress.. i still havent yet open my acct with the OUB.. oh god.. i'm lost in the track of time.. they are rushing me.. putting me under pressure.. AARG!! i just cant take it.. making me think so much with all of this hwk.. hello!! i'm not having fun here!! its not a holiday, its just the starting of my misery..
didnt bake cookies today cause michelle went to Malaysia.. wait for her like 1 hour with sumedhaa.. called her alot of times.. her house.. her hp.. but no one picked up.. we were worried that she could still be sleeping.. she didnt told neither of us about going to Malaysia.. so decided to postpone it to Friday.. haiz..
tommorow going to school back to print the worksheet.. they are just wasting my time doing my hwk.. need to do then print.. its easy for the teachers but they are being hard on us.. i really gotta end here.. wanna continue my hwk.. ciaoz.. to the sec 2 who is doing the e-learning hwk, dont give up and try your best to complete it all.. and gud evening to everyone!!
9:35 AM
dont know what happen with this fucking thing.. i mean i got post it i think yesterday.. and they didnt show it up.. aarg.. something wrong with this.. aarg!! tomorrow, going to michelle house to bake cookies.. yup.. for our home econ.. haiz.. havent find the recipe yet.. haiz.. and tomorrow no skool.. SWEET!! =)
wanting to ask my mother for $30 for something.. =0.. too personal to tell out here why i need it.. but with my hp bill, should ask?? hm.. haiz.. scare that she would scold.. =(.. anyway, she own me $30.. i know i shouldnt be calculative.. but i need so badly by tommorow.. haiz..
went home with him.. and my leg is aching due to AVA games and kept walking in and out of the school after the dismissal at 12.. i'm quite bored when playing the games but i like especially the 2nd game.. about lao gong and lao po thingy.. hahahax.. some of the ava members would know but i should just remain silent about it.. =x..
wanna end here.. before i end here, wanna put the lyrics of my new song at my blog.. even though its old but its so nice and meaningful.. anyway, wanna research the recipe and do some homework.. tata!! and gud nite to everyone..
I DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY
Lying in your arms
So close together
Didn't know just what I had
Now I toss and turn
Cause I'm without you
How I'm missing you so bad
Where was my head
Where was my heart
Now I cry alone in the dark
[chorus]
I lie awake
I drive myself crazy
Drive myself crazy
Thinking of you
Made a mistake
When I let you go baby
I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do
I was such a fool
I couldn't see it
Just how good you were to me
You confessed your love
Undying devotion
I confessed my need to be free
And now I'm left
With all this pain
Lonely got myself to blame
[chorus]
I lie awake
I drive myself crazy
Drive myself crazy
Thinking of you
Made a mistake
When I let you go baby
I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do
Why didn't I know it
(How much I loved you baby)
Why couldn't i show
(If I had only told you)
When I had the chance
Oh I had the chance
[chorus] x2
I lie awake
I drive myself crazy
Drive myself crazy
Thinking of you
Made a mistake
When I let you go baby
I drive myself crazy x2
Wanting you the way that I do x2
11:20 AM
just reach home from geylang.. yup.. went theree like to eat andd buy some groceries.. buyy myy garnier thee whitining foam at last.. hahahax.. YEAH! justt noww, skool wass quite great.. especially the part when we played the "bang" game.. i keep on losing.. NOT FAIR but FUN.. oh ya.. two of my close malay friends just break of with their *special* someone.. haiz.. now, i'm the odd one out AGAIN.. whatever about that.. went home early with sumedhaa.. COOL!! its been awhile that i went home that early and ALONE.. not been treating haiqal the same as before these last two days.. and i'm angry with him for a small things.. keep blowing things out for just a stupid CHEWY GUM.. i know i've shouldnt be angry at him but i really MEANT to give him and he didnt take it and gave it to someone else.. i hate people who do that when i kept it especially for him and meant to give to him but instead, he gave it to someone else.. even *eeuu didnt get it.. HAIQAL is the the ONLY boy which i really treat him nicely among all my guy friends even *eeuu didnt get the same treatment as haiqal.. no use of talking about haiqal.. its just not important to me anymore.. haiz.. on wednesday when that thing happenned and i kept telling myself that i dont want to talk to him EVER ,i've realized that all along, i have a crush for him but i didnt take my feeling for him seriously at that time.. but now, the feeling is TOTALLY gone i think so.. haiz.. to HAIQAL, if you're reading this, i really sowie to keep rolling my eyes(jeling) at you if i saw you or you saw me cuz i only do that to my VERY close or GOOD friends, it means that i really treasure you as my very good friend.. just give me sometime to really forget the whole incidenty.. really sowie for eberything.. now, i've been flirting with ABANG IZAN recently.. hahahax.. =p.. no meaning behind that motive.. just wanting to know him better than before.. me gotta go.. nothing to say anymore. so ciaoz everyone.. GUD NITE!!
1:15 PM
just get scolding from my mum cause my bill went up AGAIN.. die.. haiz.. i think i really wanna control my sms.. i try to msg him only and stop at ard 10.. haiz.. oh ya.. bought new clothes to go to school for the Youth day and also Be Yourself day.. haiz.. really no mood to blog today.. gotta go.. ciaoz..
12:59 PM